MarkVincze.com

    At one point I was toying with the idea of writing a novel where the protagonists face off against a mysterious force which is slowly destroying an entire genre by turning every novel it comes in contact with into zombie fiction.

The characters attempt to survive encounters with every undead horror imaginable from “the Un-die-ary of Anne Frank” to “To Kill A Mockingbird and Also Zombies” until finally the market is so saturated with zombie fiction that everyone kills themselves so they won’t have to be a survivor, living in a world where every fucking book, movie, comic and TV show is about the undead..

Unfortunately, before I could write the story down, it came true.

Over the past decade, the lusty supernatural haunts, previously inhabited by a few dedicated authors (Anne Rice being the prime example), has become a bloated beast inundated with the empty nattering of a host of jumped-up “authors” I wouldn’t trust to write ALF fan-fiction.  The “young-adult paranormal romance” genre (yes.. Barnes and Noble says this is an actual thing) has exploded in popularity and it seems that any talent-less hack capable of stringing together a few shallow sentences that appeal to the hormonal daydreams of 30-year-old virgins with no imaginations of their own can quickly find themselves an occupant of Amazon’s “best-seller” list in some category or other.

This got me thinking.  I could be one of those talent-less hacks!  Self-respect is great, but money is even better.  It was this revelation that put me on the path to failed novel #2, Moonlight: New Moon, (Book 1 of the Moonlight Saga).

Beauty Crane is a high school junior with a secret. Amen-othep, the boy she loves is not the high school senior/burn victim he appears to be, but is actually a 10,000-year-old undead mummy.  And her best friend, native american Sean Miles-O’Banyon, who is actually a leprechaun, has now professed his love for her.  Can she choose between these men before the readers realize the plot is non-existent?  Find out in: “The Moonlight Saga: Moonlight, New Moon”

Nobody is reading these sorts of novels with a critical eye, so I decided I could take my laziness to a new level.  Unfortunately doing a find and replace on a copy of Twilight where I wanted to change the occurrences of “marble” to “bandaged” overloaded my computer’s RAM and it caught fire. I barely made it out alive.  I took this as a sign.. but what do you think? Is there money or success to be had here?

Congrats to the 10 winners of the Goodreads.com “Hawke’s Doom” giveaway contest.  All of the interest in receiving a copy was great and I hope those that won enjoy the absurdity of the novel.  The books will be mailing out tomorrow morning.

Hopefully we will be able to do another giveaway sometime soon.

I have literally dozens of ideas for great novels.  Unfortunately, I also have thousands of ideas for terrible novels and usually I have a hard time distinguishing between the two.  So in a new series of posts, I’m going to present ideas that didn’t pan out and let you decide if I let something brilliant get away, or if the world is a better place for it.

The first failed novel was a bit of medical “romance” (read: erotica) called “Doctor Romance: The Love Surgeon”, here is an excerpt (WARNING: NSFW):

“Please lie still while I am examining you,” Dr. Romance said to the attractive girl lying naked on his exam table.  The sight of her large and healthy-appearing mammaries causing an increase in blood flow to his erectile tissue.

Using the digits of his right hand to gently probe her body’s epidermis, he found that there were no lesions or contusions and that caused a flooding of his system by hormones, most dominantly oxytocin. 

“I want you now,” the girl said and Dr. Romance took this to mean that her body, and specifically her vaginal region, had been stimulated to the point where she desired that he should place his glans and penis body past her labia majora and into the vaginal cavity.

So as you can see, it was all very erotic but I had a feeling it was way above the average reader’s head.  What do you think?

A is for the Actor, who pretends he’s not a fool

B is for Baristas, yeah, making coffee is soooo cool

C is for Canadians, I hope they freeze to death

D is for Dan Brown, drafting diarrhea right and left

E is for Ed Hardy shirts and the tools who wear them out

F is for the Fox News folks, intelligent as trout

G is for the Golden Girls, cause most of them are dead

H is for the Human Race, a plague that is widespread

I is for the Immigrants, doesn’t matter where they’re from

J is for those Jerky kids, all tears and bubble gum

K is for the KKK, do I need to tell you why?

L is for that Lactose stuff, THAT I can’t abide

M is for Myself, that bastard man of hate

N is for old Nancy Grace, whose voice makes me irate

O is for the Orphans, and before you ask me why

P is for their parents, who were smart enough to die

Q is for Qwghlmians, they don’t bother to exist

R is for the Macho Man, Randy’s death just made me pissed

S is for the Syfy channel, “MultiHorse vs SuperDuck”

T is for the state of Texas, which is full of steer and suck

U is for the Uvula, what the fuck’s the deal with that?

V is for Van Halen, now as relevant as Ratt

W is for the Working Week, till Friday when I’m home

X is for the letter X, it tried to wreck this poem

Y is for Your Mom, the object of worldwide scorn

Z is for me giving up, I think I’ll go watch porn.

Happy Monday

Don’t forget to pick up a copy of my hilarious novel “Hawke’s Doom“, now available on paper or electricity

I have 10 copies of Hawke’s Doom to give away on Goodreads.com.   The contest is running until April 19th.  Head on over to Goodreads to check it out!

http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/48390-richard-partridge-s-hawke-s-doom